Dear Wondering:

I don’t have enough information from you to be able to determine if indeed you have had an orgasm. And in the event you have not I am going to walk you through what I refer to as Sexuality Coaching 101 on Orgasms, and if you have been orgasmic this plan will validate your sexual experience. This is a plan I created for women who are pre-orgasmic. They use the optional ideas of clitoral stimulation to create the sensation they require in order to experience orgasm and to do so privately by themselves so there is no pressure of a partnered event and they can concentrate on how everything feels without distraction.

Do you or have you ever masturbated? Either with your hand, water, towel between your legs, a toy or a vibrator? If so, you have likely felt a buildup of sensation in your genitals but may not have continued it to orgasm. If not I would recommend trying the type of self-pleasuring you are most comfortable with which is unique for each woman, some women do not want to touch themselves and for others, nothing can do them like their two fingers.

Often the fastest and most intense form of genital stimulation is via vibration. If you have never used a vibrator and are unfamiliar with the sensation I would recommend using a small hand held style such as a Pocket Rocket or its grownup sister the Pocket Missile which has variable speeds. Until one is comfortable with a vibrator I would not recommend the more complex microchip programmed models or the large, often rather noisy, wand styles.

Step 1: Get Mind and Body in Sync. You can build the mood with any style of erotic reading, pictures, music, video. Getting both your mind and your body in the mood is very important remember you are making love to you.

Step 2: Create a Safe Place to Play. Make sure you are not interrupted and taken out of the mood. Unplug your phones. Get into a position you feel best in, if that is lying in bed with your vibrator under the covers with you, go for it. Many women find legs together is an easier way to build stimulation than legs apart.

Step 3: Choose Your Method of Stimulation. It could start with reading an erotic fantasy tale and you start stimulating yourself with your fingers and then switch to a vibrator as your genitals can handle more stimulation. Many women prefer a small circular motion on the clitoral area using three well-lubricated middle fingers with their wrist anchored on their pubic bone.

***Despite their phallic shape most wand vibrators work best externally when applied directly to the clitoral area not internally, & the clitoris is much bigger than we had been told. ***

Step 4: Start slowly and build, and or start from a less sensitive area to a very sensitive area. If you go straight to the most sensitive part of the clitoris you can numb it with too much sensation, especially if you are using a vibrator. Try using a circular motion over the entire vulva and or 1-inch back and forth stroking motions up and down the length of the labia to get the entire area used to sensation. Guide the head of the vibrator down the outer labia pressing the fatty lip of the outer labia toward the vaginal opening. Using a vibrator like this will be stimulating the legs of the clitoris. Very pleasurable for many.

Step 5: Keep breathing!!!! One thing people often do in order to concentrate on sensation stop breathing. That so defeats the sensation build up. The deeper and more regular your breathing the more easily you will build sensation and the larger your orgasm will feel. After all it is blood and oxygen that power orgasms and the more breathing the more sensation you will be capable of generating.

Step 6: Vary the motion. Women have a gradual buildup cycle and we often require a break from stimulation for 10-20 seconds to plateau and then resume stimulation. This is also a great way to prolong one’s pleasure.

Step 7: Continue as you please.

Do not feel you "‘should" have had an orgasm just because you have had sex. Many men are doing what they think should be pleasurable but they have been mislead by a combination of depictions in typical adult films and pressure to perform. Penetrative intercourse is not the most effective way to produce clitoral stimulation for women, oral and manual stimulation are because they maintain close constant contact with the woman’s genitals especially the clitoris. Also know that your sexual physical reactions are unique to you so please don’t use the voiced over antics of mainstream adult films as the indicator of what you should or might be experiencing. Never forget these people are ACTING and following a script.

Always remember Your Sexual Satisfaction is determined by you not by someone else.