Lou’s Answer:

Dear Desperation:

I am so glad you enjoyed my books now let's see if there is something more that can be done for you. May I say your situation is one of the toughest and most entrenched intimate issues that surfaces for many couples, yet having said that it does not mean it is a static never to change issue.

What it does mean is that both partners have to be very vulnerably honest with one another as to what and why they need/desire/cannot live without sex or have no interest. To get to a possible solution you need to ask yourselves these questions:

Do You Want This Marriage To Work?
First and foremost are you committed to making your relationship work? Is she? For if only one of you is willing to make the effort, despite all the words said, someone's behavior always tells the tale as to whether they do or do not want the relationship to continue.

When/Why did it Happen?
Was the withdrawal of intimacy and sex a gradual one or of a rapid onset? You say 6 weeks which makes me think this has had a fairly recent onset and you want to make sure it doesn't continue longer. Is it a physical reaction to you as a partner or an emotional one? Was it always like this? I would doubt you would marry a woman who had no interest in sex. Did she enjoy sex and then changed right after you were married; AKA what men have referred to as ‘false advertising'? Was there a change after children or an emotional distancing event? Has she gained a lot of weight and doesn't feel good about herself. Is she no longer physically attracted to you because of_______? Is there a scar or something she feels diminishes her appeal? Did you have an emotional relationship outside of your marriage? Does she have friends who are in similar situations and she seems to be mirroring their relationships?

Given that you will know when a question genuinely applies to you once the two of you, (and perhaps just yourself – it is perfectly okay to answer separately and compare answers later) - have honestly waded through these questions, it is time for you to look at what you might have done to shift the situation.

The Changing Nature of Intimacy
Many couples are not as well prepared as they think they will be for the natural ebb and flow of sex in a long term relationship but it seems you are hearing "no sex" and that can sound like a stonewalling move on her part. "She loves you but doesn't like sex anymore." Now, does that mean she doesn't like it or isn't interested in how it has happened? Perhaps she would be more interested if there were more things that made her feel physically more connected to you…translation is that it feels better for her. Only the two of you can answer that. Please know sex and any type of intimacy are like learning the best dance steps that work for you and your partner, and sometimes it's the quick-step and sometimes the two-step feels best. Your choice.

Your wife may not be aware of what primal importance it is for men (any man) to be able to be physically loving/sexual with their partner. For most men there is nothing that so powerfully connects them to their maleness as being able to be sexual with their partner of choice.

Although I'm approaching this answer from a male perspective, I know there are many women who are not getting the loving they want and they too have experienced the lasting sting of rejection. That sting stops many from approaching their partners again and eventually leads to emotionally separation.

Is there a close friend of yours or a therapist who can be an impartial sounding board for you two? The only two people who really know what is going on inside a relationship are the two people in it, and that also means that only those two people can make it work.

Please let me know how things evolve.