Lou’s Answer:

Dear SS:

It sounds to me that you have a naturally high sex drive and are not an addict at all. I will compare and contrast the statements of your sexual behavior with examples of sexually addictive behavior so you can see why I say you are not a sexual addict.

1) You are only having sex with one person and you are choosing to be sexual in a monogamous relationship with a supportive healthy emotional connection. (Normal behavior) A sexual addict would constantly be looking for a new sexual partner. Then, who or what they seek is not as important as the ‘high’ they get from the sexual conquest. There is no healthy emotional connection. They use the sex to numb themselves from their feelings. (Addictive behavior).

NOW there can be sexual addiction within a monogamous relationship/marriage when the only way the partners relate is sexual in lieu of a true healthy love. This can happen when a couple intellectualizes and tricks themselves into thinking that the constant sex means they love one another when there is no emotionally sourcing or connection between them, and the sexually addicted partner demands and extracts sex from the other partner with no concern for the emotional impact. (Addictive behavior).

2) You love the sex for the sex and crave it because it feels so good for you. (Normal behavior) An addict is addicted to the chase not the enjoyment of the sex. And once the orgasm is over there is can be despondency, embarrassment and disgust, sometimes a vowing to never do this again. (Addictive behavior) This is not to be confused with the buyer’s remorse of one-night stands when you know what you are getting into with these encounters.

3) You are not disrupting your life, putting your job, relationship, reputation or finances in peril to find a steady stream of new sexual partners. (Normal behavior) Sexual addicts will spend money they do not have and time they do not have to prowl bars and anywhere elsewhere to get a sexual ‘fix’. And/or they will miss work and lose jobs because they are too exhausted, do something socially inappropriate; they will put themselves in risky situations physically, and legally, risk arrest, to get a sexual ‘fix’ (Addictive behavior)

4) You do not appear to be lying. (Normal behavior) As I was told by a friend who has been sober 18 years, ‘Addicts will lie even when the truth would serve them better.’ (Addictive behavior) Author James Frey ‘Million Little Pieces’ is an example of an addict who hasn’t done his work on his addictive acting out and continues to lie.

5) You do not sound depressed. Many addicts are depressed.

And here is the tough thing about sexual addiction, as my addiction experts have told me, sexual addiction often manifests after another addictive behavior has been dealt with, drugs, alcohol, gambling, over-eating or love. The other things that makes sexual addiction tough to define, either therapeutically or by personal introspection, is that our society has being sexually active as the goal in many social encounters so that if a person is “getting lots’ they are likely to be congratulated not questioned.

Should you want more information my experts suggested I guide you to one of the best laymen books on sexual addiction Out of The Shadows by Patrick Carnes. He is the original founder of two pioneering hospitals for in-patient and out-patient treatment of sexual addiction, Golden Valley in Minnesota and Del Amo Hospital in Del Amo California.

You sound fine and I thank you for the question as I know this area of addiction is rarely addressed by those who are acting out in sexual addiction and for those they seek help from who do not recognize it for what it is.