Frankly Speaking Inc.

Question: Dear Ms. Paget: After the sudden separation from my husband ( he left me quite out of the blue), I got back together with an ex - boyfriend of mine. I am 41, he is 42 and we were together when we were 20 and 21 for about a year. The reason why it came to the brake-up was mainly because he had cheated on me at that time (I thought it was a one- night stand then). When I faced him with it, after I had found the bed all in a mess, he told me, that this could happen any time, it is normal to a man of his age. Now, when we came together again, he told me that he had no idea how much he had hurt me back then and how terribly sorry he is for all the pain he caused me. He also told me then, that it was not a one-night stand, that he had back then; but he had a second relationship for about a half year, only difference was that the other women didn' t have a key to his flat....... Back then, he was never really able to tell me what he felt for me but now he does and shows me. I can not get this picture out of my head when I had found out the first time that he had an affaire (or was I the "affaire"???) and how much it did really hurt me. I try to trust him but I keep seeing ghosts everywhere. For example, I have a key to his flat, but he doesn' t want me to come unannounced because he doesn' t like surprises, as he says. If I try to speak with him about my worries, he tells me that this is a long time ago and it did not happen yesterday etc..... We live a good two and a half hour drive apart, but still see each other very often because I can adjust it with my work. Please give me some advise on how I can learn to trust him enough to built up a steady relationship. Thank you so much ! G
Lou’s Answer: Before I give you my reaction I will tell you what I see about how this man relates to you. I will be honest ! don't see anywhere that he wants a steady relationship, or did I miss something? I hear that you do. Does he know this is what you want? Have you had a real conversation about creating a relationship with him? Are you monogamous? I also hear that it is you making the effort to adjust your life to spend time with him and not vice versa. You may be making it too convenient for him. He is the "man" and if he really wanted to be with you, trust me he would be making the effort to adjust his timetable. He may also feel you are for "right" now but not long term, which is how he treated you 20 years ago. May I ask did you seek him out when your marriage ended? People often look into their past for the one they "really" loved when marriages and relationships end. He didn't take care of your heart then, you couldn't trust him then and even though he says he is sorry did he say he'd never do it again? My gut is this tiger's spots are not going to change they have only gotten bigger. It seems to me that this man is very satisfied with things the way they are. He has history with you and has regular access to you sexually and is getting what he wants but are you? I do not get that he wants more. He likes things done his way, (even with a key, call him first, perhaps he learned his lesson last time when you surprised him) and will say whatever he needs to get them, including ignoring your concerns and not acting or saying things to reassure you. My advice is pay much more attention to his actions than to his words. And if his actions don't make you and your heart feel good about yourself, move on because it is likely only going to become more of the same. Here is my advice, ask two of your closest girlfriends what they see when the two of you are together. Is he is good enough for you? Does he treat you as he should? Your friends will have only your best interests in mind and then listen to their responses. Your closest girlfriends will be like your conscience, your little internal voice, because I think you are not listening to your own gut. Good luck and remember we sometimes are looking so hard we don't see what our soul really needs and sometimes they are right in front of you. Find someone who adores you and whom you adore.
Warmly