Husband's Secret Life
I've been married for almost 14 years to my second husband. I've always felt that he has a "secret life" and that he is hiding something from me. The first couple of years of intimacy were exciting and new. It didn't last long -- I've felt sexually deprived for over ten years. I've become sick of complaining. I found out that he visits prostitutes and recently found print outs of trans sexuals. I'm feeling very used. I'm finally putting all the pieces together. He is either bisexual or homosexual. We have one son --which was really difficult to conceive because he doesn't ejaculate very easily. My instincts are telling me this is the huge reason why he has refused marriage/sex counseling. I'm not happy and I want out, but feel heartbroken for what it'll do to my son. I'm suffering in silence and don't know how to face him and what a separation can do to our son. I don't want to feel lonely, depressed and betrayed...
Hello A:
First you are right there is a hidden part of your husband's life and I doubt he is really clear about it himself. Because you mentioned the different sexual interest areas, transexuals being one, I contacted a colleague who is a clinical psychologist and a world wide authority on transgenderism about your question and below in parentheses is her comment.
""I think that this woman is very right about her husband having a "secret life", but I am not sure that her conclusions about his sexual orientation are accurate. My recommendation is that they be referred to somebody who is very knowledgeable about sexual and gender conditions. The husband may himself be gender dysphoric. << Feel his sexual interest and focus does not match with the physical body - he has a male body but internally identifies with being female. This is not the same thing as gay or lesbian, that refers to who you are attracted to which is someone of the same sex.>> Clearly, the husband would not be comfortable, initially, meeting jointly with the therapist, but ultimately that would be the goal. If you are able to ascertain their location, I can help you locate a referral.""
I echo her recommendation and then you can start your own healing process for yourself and your son. Believe me when I say he isn't "doing this" to you I am sure he is as confused and conflicted as you are if not more so. He seems to searching for what sexually interests him.
No one should remain in your current emotional state, and as hard as dealing with this is at this point you know you do not want to have this situation remain staus quo. So congratulations on addressing it and if you would like a referral please let my office know at office@loupaget.com. And you can check out www.aasect.org as a start.
Best, Lou