I learned about the loss of a loved one when my mother died very suddenly in 1979. Until then I thought I had an idea of how I would feel. I didn't have a clue. Add to it that my mother and I were never close and the impact was even more convoluted. What I did get however, as a result of her death, was that I no longer feared death and that lack of fear in turn was instrumental in my doing what I do now, starting with being in the first class for volunteers on the AIDS ward at Cedars-Sinai in Los Angeles in 1990. At that time the majority of people weren't aware of how you contracted the HIV virus and those who were infected were treated as social pariahs. Add to this when Don V. who was my hairdresser (and any woman knows how important a great hairdresser is) contracted HIV and was dying - I watched a man who had been one of the more sought-after social butterflies of my peer group become shunned and ostracized. He was also Bryan's (Ode to Bryan) former partner. I wasn't any brighter, didn't know a lot more - I just wasn't scared. AIDS had already hurt my heart and quite simply I could do it.

Pain and fear were gateways for me to grow. And without any plan or awareness to do so, they put me on a path that would result in me helping many others. My concern about women's safety sexually led to "The Italian Method" and that came out of seeing women patients on the AIDS ward who could have been me or my friends. And that led to more people wanting the information I had gathered and that turned into the first seminars.

For all of you I wish you the awareness of what truly touches your heart, how you can do something about it and ways to keep that vision clear. As we face tomorrow and its whatevers, I take comfort in Dr. Brian Weiss' message, that love is infinite and crosses existences to be there again.

I will have the Field Reseacher's completed feedback on Tongue Joys etc. for the November musings.

Be safe
Lou

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Question:

" My husband tells me I am not having orgasms the way he thinks I should be, that I am not having the reaction his other girlfriends did. I feel I am having orgasms and I am totally enjoying myself but this is putting a strain on our relationship. I have a vibrator and I feel it is 'working' for me but he still seems to think there should be more. I am about to make an appointment to see a doctor but not quite sure what is actually wrong with me."

Lou's Answer:

Likely nothing. Sharing your bodies is also about sharing what works uniquely for each of you. Good men want to please their partners, to make them feel amazing, " I want to know I can make her go out of her mind". They don't want to be selfish lovers BUT they have also been taught a skewed message of what really works for women. This may have gotten a little out of hand here. Here are the issues as I see it. Firstly, no one other than you knows how your nerve endings feel and respond so for him to pressure you to react and possibly 'act' as others have is nonsense. Sex researchers Hartmann, Fithian and Campbell coined the phrase 'orgasmic fingerprinting' to refer to how unique each woman's orgasmic pattern is. If you feel and know you are enjoying yourself that is your fingerprint and it is unkind of him to invalidate how you prefer and know you enjoy being pleasured. Secondly, this does not seem to be your issue - it is his, but he is making it yours so it doesn't have to be about him. Translation.your reactions are the barometer by which he gauges his sexual prowess and it sounds like he wants/needs for you to have a specific physiological reaction in order for him to feel he is manly enough or is competent enough as a lover.

In essence he is running an opinion poll on how HE THINKS you should be responding physiologically, based on other women. Does he watch a lot of porn? Hardly the most accurate source of information. Does he read a lot of erotica? Neither is inherently bad but both are fantasy scenarios and that isn't what real life is. Occasionally perhaps but not all the time.

Given you are aware of what works, have him do it to you, which I am sure you have tried, rather than him keep trying to have you have the reaction he expects. There is no set script or formula for lovers and their individual sexual pleasure. One of the more powerful aspects of great lovers is their willingness to try new and varied things and to do so without judgement. Two attitudes women and men have said their best lovers have had are they were enthusiastic and they wanted to be there with them. Good luck and I don't think you need a doctor's appointment - better consider spending more time on the couch with him, talking and whatever.