My wife and I experiment sexually and want to expand a fantasy where I watch her with another man. We thought of getting a man though a website search, someone who would be willing to do everything except go all the way and practice safe sex. We are very happily married and this would satisfy two of our biggest fantasies. Me seeing her with another man and for both of us being watched by him as we want to have him watch as I.ll step in to finish as we decided he wouldn.t have actual intercourse with her. My wife will take care of him for his services with oral or manual sex. She is totally into it but she is actually worried I might have some misgivings about it later. So before we actually engage in this activity I thought I'd ask if there were any pitfalls we might encounter.
SS in SF
Dear SS:
As adults we are responsible for all of our sexual choices and kudos to you for examining the possible impact before you act. With any sexual activity you chose you need to be emotionally and intellectually prepared and even more so when the sexual intimacy involves more than one partner. I'll start with this cautionary note, our fantasies are often much richer, more textured and more fulfilling in our minds than they are in reality. And that makes total sense, in our fantasies we are our own director so everything goes exactly as we planned. That is the catch with acting out a fantasy....the people variable. You have no control over how someone is likely to feel, get attached to, or react to. Now this is not to say fantasies lived out cannot happen and be mind blowing in their intensity and enjoyment, they absolutely can you just need to have done your homework and preparation.
So let's look at the variables in your fantasy that could become issues if not properly outlined and understood by all parties involved:
1. Who you choose as a partner. Choose very carefully and don't believe anyone who says they are clean. Wear protection. I can understand that you want to watch your wife being sexually titillated and excited but why would a man want to arrive get everything going and not be able to close the deal so to speak? That is akin to being highly sexed up at a dance bar and having to head home to take care of yourself. You say your wife will take care of him for his services with a oral or manual sex, will that be enough? You need to be very clear what the fantasy.s parameters are and what the other participant receives.
2. Your reaction to watching. Permission from your wife aside be aware for many men watching another man intimately touch their partner invokes their most profound primal male-she's-mine cellular reaction. And stopping the fantasy's activity prior to intercourse between them is likely a smart move as for many men the most destructive and debilitating vision is that of another man's penis entering their partner. Is it watching her being unbelievable stimulated that turns you on? Do you want to be able to do the same thing? Are you re-enacting a porn film / erotic tale scene? Examine what your reaction may be and why it may feel like that for you.
3. Consider that there may be some attraction between the participants. What happens if she likes how he touches her better than you do? If she has a visceral energetic connection to him? If she likes his body and parts better than yours? It is not unlike Hollywood actors who are told by a director "Fall in love" on a set and to effectively play their characters they do. You are asking your wife to be in the mindset to be totally turned on by and attached physically to this man yet have you discussed the boundary of the emotional/physical action? In Hollywood the problem starts when the actors return to their life post shoot offset and the director overlooked saying "Fall OUT of love" before they left. Why do you think so many Hollywood romances begin on movie sets? Be sure to discuss beforehand how you will handle this should it occur.