Ms. Paget,
For me sex is very mechanical. It is more work than pleasure. It's very much for my husband, who is always ready, willing and able. I don't even try anything to make it more interesting for him, because he doesn't need the extra encouragement. I never have orgasms during regular intercourse and frankly am not sure I enjoy them anyway. Plus intercourse is typically painful (easy fissures and general discomfort). I'm uptight about the mess and I just can't get into it. How can I feel passionate about this tedious task?
Dear Passionless;
I think you have your own answer in your final sentence. Your mind set about all parts of sexual interaction are passionless and uninspired. Now rest assured I think we are all allowed to feel the way we feel we just need to know how that feeling is likely to manifest in behavior and your behavior is likely to have your relationship become strained if not end it. I won't tell you to turn on a switch, take a pill, wear a certain outfit and have desire. What I will tell you is your brain is your most powerful sexual organ and if you don't have it involved you don't have the main engine that will drive your intimacy and passion.
This is what I would ask you. Do you want your marriage to continue? Do you want it to have intimacy in it? What does that look like? Spooning in bed, sex once every 2 weeks, you taking care of him sexually, orally or manually so you can avoid intercourse? Once you answer that you can address what your marriage.s intimate future looks like.
You obviously want to take care of this but you sound like you have mentally decided you are not going to enjoy sex. Who gave you that message? You say you don't have orgasms during intercourse, join the club neither do most women they have them during oral and manual stimulation or with a vibrator during partnered sex. If the pain is a problem you should address that with a health care provider, perhaps your dyspareunia (painful intercourse) is due to not enough lubricant post a delivery, or antihistamine use, or poor hydration (not enough water in your system). Are you totally irritated at your husband and there is an unspoken issue that hasn't been addressed?
The "mess thing" I can't help you with; let.s be honest sex is messy, it is hot, sweaty, moist and often noisy. Tidy has rarely been used to describe sexual activity. I would suggest you visit www.aasect.org and see if there is an AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists) Therapist in your area who might help you address your issue. Take heart in the expression, Glass ½ full, Glass ½ empty was made for your situation. Now it is up to you. Do you want a love life that is full or empty? Your choose.