tag:www.loupaget.com,2007:/weblog/1 2007-06-08T22:53:43Z Movable Type 3.34 tag:www.loupaget.com,2007:/weblog//1.46 2007-06-08T21:20:54Z 2007-06-08T22:53:43Z

I've been married for almost 14 years to my second husband. I've always felt that he has a "secret life" and that he is hiding something from me. The first couple of years of intimacy were exciting and new. It...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com > Clearly, the husband would not be comfortable, initially, meeting jointly with the therapist, but ultimately that would be the goal. If you are able to ascertain their location, I can help you locate a referral."" I echo her recommendation and then you can start your own healing process for yourself and your son. Believe me when I say he isn't "doing this" to you I am sure he is as confused and conflicted as you are if not more so. He seems to searching for what sexually interests him. No one should remain in your current emotional state, and as hard as dealing with this is at this point you know you do not want to have this situation remain staus quo. So congratulations on addressing it and if you would like a referral please let my office know at office@loupaget.com. And you can check out www.aasect.org as a start. Best, Lou]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2007:/weblog//1.45 2007-06-08T21:09:33Z 2007-07-22T21:52:22Z

Hi Mauli: I am not sure if you are talking about someone who is pregnant or wanting to be pregnant. I will answer as if a woman is already pregnant. Orgasm pre-pregnancy or wanting to become pregnant is considered to...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Hi Mauli: I am not sure if you are talking about someone who is pregnant or wanting to be pregnant. I will answer as if a woman is already pregnant. Orgasm pre-pregnancy or wanting to become pregnant is considered to be beneficial to move the semen into the uterus enroute to the Fallopian tube where fertilization takes place. When I wrote Hot Mamas I consulted medical experts with obstectrial practices for the often asked question "Will an orgasm cause a miscarriage or initate premature labor?" If a woman is pregnant and has had her health professional tell her she has a normal healthy pregnancy with no complications then the amswer is NO. This is how Dr. Jules Black described to me an orgasm could initate labor. Imagine an apple on a tree. When it is growing and not ripe nothing will cause it to drop from the tree. However once it is ripe and READY to fall then wind or rain can make it fall. Until the stage of pregnancy when the woman's body is ready for delivery of the baby then an orgasm usually after her due date may start labor. Also know that the contractions of an orgasm are mainly vaginal/genital in focus with some uterine contractions and feel very different from delivery contractions. Best, Lou tag:www.loupaget.com,2007:/weblog//1.34 2007-01-03T17:05:54Z 2007-11-29T09:55:56Z

You may send me questions or comments here.

http://loupaget.com You may send me questions or comments here. Simply fill out the form below and your question or comment will be sent to me for review. Please, don't send me ads or spam. Sincere posts only please! tag:www.loupaget.com,2007:/weblog//1.3 2006-07-02T05:04:11Z 2007-07-22T21:53:41Z

Question: Hi Lou, I have been with my partner for 8 years. Intimacy was well balanced and succulent the first few years. In the past five plus years, the intimacy has diminished to pretty much nothing. I have asked about...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Hi Lou, I have been with my partner for 8 years. Intimacy was well balanced and succulent the first few years. In the past five plus years, the intimacy has diminished to pretty much nothing. I have asked about what is going on for her, she says she just does not feel horny that it is likely pre-menopause symptoms (age 46) that she has financial and work stress, all along with tennis elbow. She has never indicated verbally or behaviorally that anything else is going on. She did have an affair in the first year of our relationship. She is 10 years older than me and I sometimes wonder if perhaps she views herself as being in the mother figure. I asked her this, and she denied this was a fact. I have asked her to see a Doctor, and she did go. The doctor said that there are no physical reasons for her lack of feelings. I have asked several times if we could see a therapist together and she adamantly opposes this suggestion. I have definitely heard of the lesbian bed death thing where 2 women spend so much time together, the whole intimacy thing falls by the way side. Even if this were true, when we are apart for longer periods of time, no romance occurs.I keep waiting giving her space waiting and waiting for her to take some initiative to work on herself. I.m not particularly willing to part from her for this reason alone, however, I.m 36 and I feel more than alive and romantic. Some days it eats me up to the core. But, I also don.t want to wait another 5 years, wake up one day, and realize that everything is still the same. I believe intimacy is important without it, were just roommates. Do I stay or do I go? Do I push or do I give her space? What could the problem be? What are some solutions? Wilting Further Every Day ]]> Lou's Answer: Dear Wilting Further: In any relationship you have to weigh the benefits and it seems your heart is not being heard by your partner and that is the downside that will have you leave this. You have already waited five years, so what I would ask is what is likely to change over the next 6 months or year or 5 years that would have your partner be more interested in the physical and emotional side of your relationship? Has she made any efforts to be more emotional/romantic/physical with you and then stops after a brief period of time? Does she realize the gravity of this? Do you want to make this relationship work? I don't think her tennis elbow or pre-menopause are going away but they are physical reasons and they are concrete reasons, hence MD for physical okay to see, will validate, but they seem to me to be masking her real emotional/psychological reason for withdrawing. That she doesn't want to see a therapist tells me there is something she doesn't want exposed and she is staying emotionally withdrawn and distant. And that behavior is keeping that secret/embarrassment safe but is also creating an emotional chasm between the two of you. Let's be candid our brains, our mental capacity hence our emotional capacity keep us romantically and physically connected. Here is what I would ask; What was the trigger event that had her withdraw? I'd also ask if she has stopped doing other things she typically enjoyed after your first two years together? Does she have the same pattern in previous relationships? Is she questioning her sexual identification? Many people stay in relationships because they feel this is a good as it gets, I don't want to be alone. However I will bet you even though your partner is there, there is no place lonelier than your bed when you are there together. She may well be loving you the best way she can it just isn't the way you need to be loved. If I may I'd like to ask your permission to refer you to a fellow Sex Educator Therapist who herself is lesbian and specializes in this in her practice. I feel she would have much greater expertise to address your relationship concerns. Further response from Wilting: Thank you so much for responding! Please do send a referral. To answer some of your questions: Yes, she has made brief attempts over the years, and then they dwindle to nothing again. I.m really not certain if she realizes the gravity of it all. I absolutely want to make this relationship work . everything is great except for this aspect. What was the triggering event? To be honest, I can.t even remember.. Nothing substantial or important that I can recall. It just started to dissipate . then I realized what was happening and discussed it with her. She has appeared to stop doing a lot of things she liked doing . she pretty much just works, comes home and sleeps . works on the house on her time off. I don.t think she had the previous pattern in her previous relationship . but I will ask her about that to clarify. She was in a 12 year relationship and her partner cheated the last 3 years or so of it and ended up leaving her for another woman. She is absolutely not questioning her sexuality, although I must admit, I have my days where I question mine. Thanks again for your feedback. Lou.s Answer: Dear Wilting: I give you kudos for addressing a heartfelt part of your life that isn.t being taken care of in your relationship even though other parts are just fine. You are not willing to just let it coast and cost you your potential passion. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.4 2006-06-03T07:09:18Z 2007-02-03T23:39:18Z

Question: Dear Lou; My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends calling our house & she calls her ex from her cell & he calls her. We are having problems & she doesn't get horny anymore. Is it over or...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: Dear Lou; My girlfriend has a lot of guy friends calling our house & she calls her ex from her cell & he calls her. We are having problems & she doesn't get horny anymore. Is it over or what? Confused ]]> Lou's Answer: Dear Confused: I will answer this as if I were your older sister. For whatever reason, and I am not privy to the problem details, she is having her behavior speak louder than her words and her behavior says I am distancing from you, no longer interested in being intimate with you, and anytime a women has a lot of men calling her she is giving off the vibe/signal/message choose your term she is available and on the market. Your girlfriend's behavior is broadcasting she no longer feels the connection to your relationship. You obviously share a home and most people do not move in together on a casual basis they do so because they want the exclusive access sexually and emotionally to that person. Likely 6 months ago she started telling you things that were a problem for her and these things were not, have not been addressed or resolved. And here's the pattern, women will tell a man what they are concerned about, what is not working for them and if after x number of times of bringing it up (usually about 10 times) there is no change in his behavior or reaction the woman stops mentioning it and starts tallying the number of times it happens. And that starts the erosion of emotional connection, she mentally notes each time it happens. Men often think once a woman stops talking about something, "Oh good its no longer an issue she stopped talking about it". Couldn't be further from the truth. These issues can be anything from dishes in the sink, translation he is being inconsiderate and she feels he expects her to do the cleaning, to contributions on shared expenses, he expects her to pay more often than he does, he is late on his contributions to bills, he cancels their plans and leaves to go golfing/play poker or whatever translation she isn't important enough to him, she isn't a priority. You might see a pattern here, she does not feel heard or respected. Those two feelings will create more distance and coolness than just about any others in relationships and one of the first places emotional disconnects show up is in the bedroom. There is some light at the end of this tunnel she may be doing this to get YOU to pay attention to her. You have some work ahead of you to reestablish your relationship as a priority. When was the last time you treated one another the way you did when you were first together? Are you both focusing so much on your careers you let the focus on the two of you slip? The reason people create the financial security and the homes they want is so they can share them with someone yet we often start on a slippery slope of taking their presence for granted once someone is around us and we don't have to work so hard at the relationship. Oh yes you do, perhaps even more so. It is called attention, attention, attention. And your attention to her was what had her respond to you in the first place you can do so again and take the place of the others who are now paying attention to her. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.5 2006-06-01T07:25:09Z 2007-02-03T23:42:27Z

Question: 1. When my boyfriend and I are having sex his penis slips out sometimes. It happens during all positions, whether from behind, me on top, or him on top. I am so embarrassed! Is this common? What can I...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: 1. When my boyfriend and I are having sex his penis slips out sometimes. It happens during all positions, whether from behind, me on top, or him on top. I am so embarrassed! Is this common? What can I do to keep it from happening? Please help! ]]> Lou's Answer: First may I ask why you are embarrassed? It is his penis not your vagina that is doing the majority of the moving so he has more responsibility to maintain contact. Also please know this is a very common occurrence especially during rigorous sex. Before I go further were we together I'd ask you, did you have a partner say you were too loose or large? That may well have been in relation to his penis size and not have been an accurate comment. Did you read somewhere that if you weren't tight enough he would fall out? Not necessarily so that is a matter of positioning and motion. You can test your vaginal tightness quickly and privately with two of your freshly washed fingers, no need to introduce unfriendly bacteria into oneself. Insert them gently and tighten your PC (pubococcygeus )muscle, the one that you contract to stop the flow of urine, around them, if you feel a tightness like a pencil line on the sides of your fingers your PC muscle may need some exercise. If it feels like a broad elastic band you may be in fine pelvic shape and may just need regular flexing, use a minute of 5 second contractions morning and night or use a daily occurrence as the prompt such as at any stop lights. The tightness factor of a woman is about the toned nature of the PC muscle that controls the tightness of the first inch and a half of the entry into the vagina. Any woman who has ever used a tampon knows when she isn't sexually stimulated the tampon needs to be guided in, the unstimulated vagina has a space potential like that of a glove yet once a woman is stimulated the vagina swells and lifts up into the woman.s lower pelvis to accommodate the penis. This is Mother Nature preparing for sex. For many women there is a distinct difference in tightness post a vaginal delivery especially if there was long protracted pushing, the pelvic ligaments get stretched and unlike a muscle they do not contract back. For any of these positions the simplest solution is to reduce the length of the thrust regardless of position. In the Woman On Top you are much more in control and the internal "poke" factor of an up and down motion tends not to be the most satisfying rather a rocking with the clitoral area being pressured against the partner.s pubic area. In the rear entry position the responsibility to remain inside is his so he needs to adjust his motion as I will answer below there isn't a lot you can do to adjust as you have little to no body motion. The same answer for man on top as the partner on top controls the majority of the motion, the staying inside you is his responsibility. Having said all of this may I remind you this is very common and often a source of fun and amusement for couples, laughing and fumbling to get back into action. Question: 2. When we have sex in the doggie-style position it is hard for me to move or do anything but hold the position. I feel like he is doing all the work. Do you have any ideas for moves while in this position besides holding the pose? Lou's Answer: He is doing all the work and likely he is getting a lot of reward from it, watching himself thrust in and out, the heightened smell of sex, the sound of his thighs slapping against your buttocks, and the more animal nature of it, the "taking you from behind" factor. In order for rear entry to be successful one partner has to remain as stable as possible in this case you. Should you want to increase your enjoyment consider holding onto a head board using one arm and using a vibe or your fingers clitorally on yourself. Some women who have delivered vaginally find this is one of their most pleasurable positions as the more flexible vaginal vault post delivery allows the head of his penis to stroke firmly over the G spot area. Question: 3. On oral sex: I really enjoy performing oral sex on my man as long as he climaxes within ten to fifteen minutes. Any longer that that and I get tired! What are some nifty tricks that will bring him straight to orgasm during oral sex? Lou's Answer: Trust me you are not alone in your mouth and neck and back getting tired. One reason it may be taking so long is you are with a man who masturbates VERY firmly and you are not mimicking the sensation his nerves have gotten used to. TIP: To ensure full sensation build up do not stop 2/3 of the way through and start flicking the top of his penis with your tongue because your mouth is tired. Male sexual response is like that of a steep mountain slope and as such once you get to very firm levels of sensation and pressure, close to the to p of the slope, you must maintain them or the sexual buildup rolls back down the slope and you have to build it back up again. The SOLUTION is to use your hand and mouth in concert, keep them attached together like you are blowing a large horn, imagine there are ball bearings on your lips. There are 4 motions involved: An up and down motion on the shaft with your mouth and attached hand. Your attached hand extends the area you can stimulate from 3 inches to 6 and acts as a safety ring so he cannot thrust into your mouth and have you gag unexpectedly AND your hand creates the pressure so your lips wrapped over your teeth do not have to so. This saves on the inside of your lips, your jaw as your hand creates the pressure and your throat as you do not have go down so deeply. Your hand is rotating up and down the shaft in a loose figure 8 motion. These two motions together along with the constant back and forth motion of your tongue on the back of the glans (head of the penis) will create intense sensations for him. Your free hand is stroking any close by skin to build sensation around the groin area. Consider fingertip sensations as fingernails can be tickly. Question: 4. Also, is there any way to avoid deep throating and still give a satisfying blow job? Thanks! I really appreciate your help! Lou's Answer: Deep throating is mainly a male preoccupation from adult material. Hence that is why many men ask for it, probably only 25 % of women are comfortable doing it. Its enjoyment factor for most women is the pleasure it gives them to pleasure a man. And then there are some women who love the feeling of power they have over a man when they do oral sex well. This is what I say to men who say they want their partner to do it better I hand them a 6. Instructional Product "dildo" and tell him this is a tool for HIM to demonstrate on to show her the technique he'd like her to use on him. Some men are up to the challenge some not but the majority have no idea of how to create the sensation they say they want. And might I remind us, "blowing" has nothing to do with this. In How to Be a Great Lover I cover oral in detail with illustrations. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.6 2006-04-02T07:30:46Z 2007-02-03T23:05:12Z

Question: Hello Lou, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your books. I am a 43 year old man that loves his wife dearly. The problem is she never wants to have sex. It's been 6 weeks since we have had sex. I am trying to be patient; however, I don't know what to do.

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: Hello Lou, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your books. I am a 43 year old man that loves his wife dearly. The problem is she never wants to have sex. It's been 6 weeks since we have had sex. I am trying to be patient; however, I don't know what to do. Hello Lou, I have thoroughly enjoyed reading your books. I am a 43 year old man that loves his wife dearly. The problem is she never wants to have sex. It's been 6 weeks since we have had sex. I am trying to be patient; however, I don't know what to do. I have read your books and I want to please her and love her all the time but she doesn't seem interested in sex at all. She says she loves me she just doesn't like sex anymore. Do you have any suggestions that might help? Thanks; Desperation Lou's Answer: Dear Desperation: I am so glad you enjoyed my books now let's see if there is something more that can be done for you. May I say your situation is one of the toughest and most entrenched intimate issues that surfaces for many couples, yet having said that it does not mean it is a static never to change issue. What it does mean is that both partners have to be very vulnerably honest with one another as to what and why they need/desire/cannot live without sex or have no interest. To get to a possible solution you need to ask yourselves these questions: Do You Want This Marriage To Work? First and foremost are you committed to making your relationship work? Is she? For if only one of you is willing to make the effort, despite all the words said, someone's behavior always tells the tale as to whether they do or do not want the relationship to continue. When/Why did it Happen? Was the withdrawal of intimacy and sex a gradual one or of a rapid onset? You say 6 weeks which makes me think this has had a fairly recent onset and you want to make sure it doesn't continue longer. Is it a physical reaction to you as a partner or an emotional one? Was it always like this? I would doubt you would marry a woman who had no interest in sex. Did she enjoy sex and then changed right after you were married; AKA what men have referred to as .false advertising? Was there a change after children or an emotional distancing event? Has she gained a lot of weight and doesn't feel good about herself. Is she no longer physically attracted to you because of_______? Is there a scar or something she feels diminishes her appeal? Did you have an emotional relationship outside of your marriage? Does she have friends who are in similar situations and she seems to be mirroring their relationships? Given that you will know when a question genuinely applies to you once the two of you, (and perhaps just yourself. it is perfectly okay to answer separately and compare answers later) - have honestly waded through these questions, it is time for you to look at what you might have done to shift the situation. The Changing Nature of Intimacy: Many couples are not as well prepared as they think they will be for the natural ebb and flow of sex in a long term relationship but it seems you are hearing "no sex" and that can sound like a stonewalling move on her part. "She loves you but doesn't like sex anymore." Now, does that mean she doesn't like it or isn't interested in how it has happened? Perhaps she would be more interested if there were more things that made her feel physically more connected to you; translation is that it feels better for her. Only the two of you can answer that. Please know sex and any type of intimacy are like learning the best dance steps that work for you and your partner, and sometimes it's the quick-step and sometimes the two-step feels best. Your choice. Your wife may not be aware of what primal importance it is for men (any man) to be able to be physically loving/sexual with their partner. For most men there is nothing that so powerfully connects them to their maleness as being able to be sexual with their partner of choice. Although I'm approaching this answer from a male perspective, I know there are many women who are not getting the loving they want and they too have experienced the lasting sting of rejection. That sting stops many from approaching their partners again and eventually leads to emotionally separation. Is there a close friend of yours or a therapist who can be an impartial sounding board for you two? The only two people who really know what is going on inside a relationship are the two people in it, and that also means that only those two people can make it work. Please let me know how things evolve. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.7 2006-03-02T07:36:38Z 2007-02-05T08:54:35Z

Question: Ms. Paget, For me sex is very mechanical. It is more work than pleasure. It's very much for my husband, who is always ready, willing and able. I don't even try anything to make it more interesting for him,...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: Ms. Paget, For me sex is very mechanical. It is more work than pleasure. It's very much for my husband, who is always ready, willing and able. I don't even try anything to make it more interesting for him, because he doesn't need the extra encouragement. I never have orgasms during regular intercourse and frankly am not sure I enjoy them anyway. Plus intercourse is typically painful (easy fissures and general discomfort). I'm uptight about the mess and I just can't get into it. How can I feel passionate about this tedious task? ]]> Lou's Answer: Dear Passionless; I think you have your own answer in your final sentence. Your mind set about all parts of sexual interaction are passionless and uninspired. Now rest assured I think we are all allowed to feel the way we feel we just need to know how that feeling is likely to manifest in behavior and your behavior is likely to have your relationship become strained if not end it. I won't tell you to turn on a switch, take a pill, wear a certain outfit and have desire. What I will tell you is your brain is your most powerful sexual organ and if you don't have it involved you don't have the main engine that will drive your intimacy and passion. This is what I would ask you. Do you want your marriage to continue? Do you want it to have intimacy in it? What does that look like? Spooning in bed, sex once every 2 weeks, you taking care of him sexually, orally or manually so you can avoid intercourse? Once you answer that you can address what your marriage.s intimate future looks like. You obviously want to take care of this but you sound like you have mentally decided you are not going to enjoy sex. Who gave you that message? You say you don't have orgasms during intercourse, join the club neither do most women they have them during oral and manual stimulation or with a vibrator during partnered sex. If the pain is a problem you should address that with a health care provider, perhaps your dyspareunia (painful intercourse) is due to not enough lubricant post a delivery, or antihistamine use, or poor hydration (not enough water in your system). Are you totally irritated at your husband and there is an unspoken issue that hasn't been addressed? The "mess thing" I can't help you with; let.s be honest sex is messy, it is hot, sweaty, moist and often noisy. Tidy has rarely been used to describe sexual activity. I would suggest you visit www.aasect.org and see if there is an AASECT (American Association of Sex Educators Counselors and Therapists) Therapist in your area who might help you address your issue. Take heart in the expression, Glass ½ full, Glass ½ empty was made for your situation. Now it is up to you. Do you want a love life that is full or empty? Your choose. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.8 2006-02-02T07:43:21Z 2007-02-03T23:51:48Z

Question: Dear Lou; I adore sex and have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have because of the regular sex; sometimes it was so-so and other times it knocked my lights out it was so great. The relationships...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Dear Lou; I adore sex and have stayed in relationships way longer than I should have because of the regular sex; sometimes it was so-so and other times it knocked my lights out it was so great. The relationships finally end when the love ends. Once that's gone I'm gone. I don't sleep around and only have sex with one person at a time when I am in monogamous relationship. I can live without sex but don't like to as I crave it, but when I am with someone I want it all the time, sometimes 2-3 times a day. I do masturbate especially when I am single, but not every day. I have read about sexual addiction and one of my girlfriends said I must be a sexual addict because I need and want it so much. Now I'm worried. Am I? Am I a borderline addict or what? I am 35 year old woman. Sexual in Seattle ]]> Lou's Answer: Dear SS: It sounds to me that you have a naturally high sex drive and are not an addict at all. I will compare and contrast the statements of your sexual behavior with examples of sexually addictive behavior so you can see why I say you are not a sexual addict. 1. You are only having sex with one person and you are choosing to be sexual in a monogamous relationship with a supportive healthy emotional connection. (Normal behavior) A sexual addict would constantly be looking for a new sexual partner. Then, who or what they seek is not as important as the high they get from the sexual conquest. There is no healthy emotional connection. They use the sex to numb themselves from their feelings. (Addictive behavior). NOW there can be sexual addiction within a monogamous relationship/marriage when the only way the partners relate is sexual in lieu of a true healthy love. This can happen when a couple intellectualizes and tricks themselves into thinking that the constant sex means they love one another when there is no emotionally sourcing or connection between them, and the sexually addicted partner demands and extracts sex from the other partner with no concern for the emotional impact; (Addictive behavior). 2. You love the sex for the sex and crave it because it feels so good for you. (Normal behavior) An addict is addicted to the chase not the enjoyment of the sex. And once the orgasm is over there is can be despondency, embarrassment and disgust, sometimes a vowing to never do this again. (Addictive behavior) This is not to be confused with the buyer.s remorse of one-night stands when you know what you are getting into with these encounters. 3. You are not disrupting your life, putting your job, relationship, reputation or finances in peril to find a steady stream of new sexual partners. (Normal behavior) Sexual addicts will spend money they do not have and time they do not have to prowl bars and anywhere elsewhere to get a sexual fix... and/or they will miss work and lose jobs because they are too exhausted, do something socially inappropriate; they will put themselves in risky situations physically, and legally, risk arrest, to get a sexual fix. (Addictive behavior) 4. You do not appear to be lying. (Normal behavior) As I was told by a friend who has been sober 18 years, .Addicts will lie even when the truth would serve them better.. (Addictive behavior) Author James Frey .Million Little Pieces. is an example of an addict who hasn.t done his work on his addictive acting out and continues to lie. 5. You do not sound depressed. Many addicts are depressed. And here is the tough thing about sexual addiction, as my addiction experts have told me, sexual addiction often manifests after another addictive behavior has been dealt with, drugs, alcohol, gambling, over-eating or love. The other things that makes sexual addiction tough to define, either therapeutically or by personal introspection, is that our society has being sexually active as the goal in many social encounters so that if a person is getting lots. they are likely to be congratulated not questioned. Should you want more information my experts suggested I guide you to one of the best laymen books on sexual addiction Out of The Shadows by Patrick Carnes. He is the original founder of two pioneering hospitals for in-patient and out-patient treatment of sexual addiction, Golden Valley in Minnesota and Del Amo Hospital in Del Amo California. You sound fine and I thank you for the question as I know this area of addiction is rarely addressed by those who are acting out in sexual addiction and for those they seek help from who do not recognize it for what it is. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2006:/weblog//1.9 2006-01-02T07:50:13Z 2007-07-22T22:00:13Z

Question: Hey Lou, I am a 30 yr old female who has been dating someone for a year and I feel pathetically vulnerable sometimes in bed at night when he doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired or...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Hey Lou, I am a 30 yr old female who has been dating someone for a year and I feel pathetically vulnerable sometimes in bed at night when he doesn't want to have sex because he's too tired or it is too late. I don't want to give up my pride again and make the first move in order to get the sex I so crave. I don't feel that it's my duty to do so as a female. However during the day if he wants it, I usually give it to him without satisfying myself because he's always rushing me. Isn't that pathetic? I'm very attractive and feel as if my life is passing me by and this should be the best sex time in my life ever. I tried by not giving him sex at all and that just makes him not want to have it at all. Am I waisting my life away or what? ]]>
Lou's Answer: Dear S: I will evaluate this situation by looking not at his words, because there don't appear to be any, and words rarely tell the truth, and instead I will focus on his actions or lack thereof to help you understand this. You know there is something seriously changed and chances are you are right. His abrupt behavior change is telling you he wants distance and no connection with you. No speaking/ emotional and no physical/sexual. And as harsh as this may seem in print I know you know this inside of you. Any man who has had access to and enjoyed sex 3-4 times a week who all of a sudden stops has a pretty good reason or drive to 'cut himself off'. The why he is acting this way is subject to conjecture. Have you been pressuring him for a commitment after 3 years? Because you are living together or because you are college students and with graduation you will no longer be together on the same campus. Perhaps he feels backed into a corner? He obviously liked having sex with you on a regular basis, being with you but now knows" Hey I'm only 21 and I need to have more women." Is he getting sex elsewhere? Is there another person? Most 21 year old men have their male friends as more important than a woman so maybe there was peer pressure. Has there been a huge event happen in his family that may have impacted him unlike you could know? Many times in life people will have their behaviors say what their mouths cannot. In this case he wants distance or the end of your relationship and he is setting it up by treating you this way so you do the ending because he can't, or so he doesn't have to. Either way the result is the same. Now please pay close attention to this, know that HIS behavior is not because of you and there is likely little to nothing you can do to change his behavior, no showers no making moves, ONLY he can change his behavior. You are responsible for yours, you can't create his. This will help you to not make yourself crazy that you could have done something. Please know he may have said things to you that he truly meant when he was 18 and you were first together but as you know we change so much from 18 - 21 and what he said at first still is true for then, but not for now. You love this man, and chances are he will always have a part of your heart; our first loves generally do. They set a pattern for how we connect and attract people into our lives. I trust this helps. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2005:/weblog//1.10 2005-12-31T08:08:08Z 2007-02-05T08:53:50Z

Question: Hello Lou how are you?? Well I really hope you can help me with this. Me & my boyfriend (who I love very much) have been together for 3 years now & over the last 2 weeks he hasn't...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: Hello Lou how are you?? Well I really hope you can help me with this. Me & my boyfriend (who I love very much) have been together for 3 years now & over the last 2 weeks he hasn't wanted to have sex with me at all. I'm starting to think its me.]]>
Lou's Answer: Dear S: I will evaluate this situation by looking not at his words, because there don't appear to be any, and words rarely tell the truth, and instead I will focus on his actions or lack thereof to help you understand this. You know there is something seriously changed and chances are you are right. His abrupt behavior change is telling you he wants distance and no connection with you. No speaking/ emotional and no physical/sexual. And as harsh as this may seem in print I know you know this inside of you. Any man who has had access to and enjoyed sex 3-4 times a week who all of a sudden stops has a pretty good reason or drive to 'cut himself off''. The why he is acting this way is subject to conjecture. Have you been pressuring him for a commitment after 3 years? Because you are living together or because you are college students and with graduation you will no longer be together on the same campus. Perhaps he feels backed into a corner? He obviously liked having sex with you on a regular basis, being with you but now knows" Hey I'm only 21 and I need to have more women." Is he getting sex elsewhere? Is there another person? Most 21 year old men have their male friends as more important than a woman so maybe there was peer pressure. Has there been a huge event happen in his family that may have impacted him unlike you could know? Many times in life people will have their behaviors say what their mouths cannot. In this case he wants distance or the end of your relationship and he is setting it up by treating you this way so you do the ending because he can't, or so he doesn't have to. Either way the result is the same. Now please pay close attention to this, know that HIS behavior is not because of you and there is likely little to nothing you can do to change his behavior, no showers no making moves, ONLY he can change his behavior. You are responsible for yours, you can't create his. This will help you to not make yourself crazy that you could have done something. Please know he may have said things to you that he truly meant when he was 18 and you were first together but as you know we change so much from 18 - 21 and what he said at first still is true for then, but not for now. You love this man, and chances are he will always have a part of your heart; our first loves generally do. They set a pattern for how we connect and attract people into our lives. I trust this helps. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2005:/weblog//1.11 2005-11-30T08:12:29Z 2007-07-22T23:10:21Z

Question: My wife and I experiment sexually and want to expand a fantasy where I watch her with another man. We thought of getting a man though a website search, someone who would be willing to do everything except go...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: My wife and I experiment sexually and want to expand a fantasy where I watch her with another man. We thought of getting a man though a website search, someone who would be willing to do everything except go all the way and practice safe sex. We are very happily married and this would satisfy two of our biggest fantasies. Me seeing her with another man and for both of us being watched by him as we want to have him watch as I.ll step in to finish as we decided he wouldn.t have actual intercourse with her. My wife will take care of him for his services with oral or manual sex. She is totally into it but she is actually worried I might have some misgivings about it later. So before we actually engage in this activity I thought I'd ask if there were any pitfalls we might encounter. SS in SF ]]> Lou's Answer: Dear SS: As adults we are responsible for all of our sexual choices and kudos to you for examining the possible impact before you act. With any sexual activity you chose you need to be emotionally and intellectually prepared and even more so when the sexual intimacy involves more than one partner. I'll start with this cautionary note, our fantasies are often much richer, more textured and more fulfilling in our minds than they are in reality. And that makes total sense, in our fantasies we are our own director so everything goes exactly as we planned. That is the catch with acting out a fantasy....the people variable. You have no control over how someone is likely to feel, get attached to, or react to. Now this is not to say fantasies lived out cannot happen and be mind blowing in their intensity and enjoyment, they absolutely can you just need to have done your homework and preparation. So let's look at the variables in your fantasy that could become issues if not properly outlined and understood by all parties involved: 1. Who you choose as a partner. Choose very carefully and don't believe anyone who says they are clean. Wear protection. I can understand that you want to watch your wife being sexually titillated and excited but why would a man want to arrive get everything going and not be able to close the deal so to speak? That is akin to being highly sexed up at a dance bar and having to head home to take care of yourself. You say your wife will take care of him for his services with a oral or manual sex, will that be enough? You need to be very clear what the fantasy.s parameters are and what the other participant receives. 2. Your reaction to watching. Permission from your wife aside be aware for many men watching another man intimately touch their partner invokes their most profound primal male-she's-mine cellular reaction. And stopping the fantasy's activity prior to intercourse between them is likely a smart move as for many men the most destructive and debilitating vision is that of another man's penis entering their partner. Is it watching her being unbelievable stimulated that turns you on? Do you want to be able to do the same thing? Are you re-enacting a porn film / erotic tale scene? Examine what your reaction may be and why it may feel like that for you. 3. Consider that there may be some attraction between the participants. What happens if she likes how he touches her better than you do? If she has a visceral energetic connection to him? If she likes his body and parts better than yours? It is not unlike Hollywood actors who are told by a director "Fall in love" on a set and to effectively play their characters they do. You are asking your wife to be in the mindset to be totally turned on by and attached physically to this man yet have you discussed the boundary of the emotional/physical action? In Hollywood the problem starts when the actors return to their life post shoot offset and the director overlooked saying "Fall OUT of love" before they left. Why do you think so many Hollywood romances begin on movie sets? Be sure to discuss beforehand how you will handle this should it occur. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2005:/weblog//1.12 2005-09-01T18:56:15Z 2007-07-22T21:56:41Z

Question: I am a woman who is very large vaginally. My husband is not small, but certainly not as large as I need and like. He enjoys and gets very excited pleasuring me with very large "toys" but I would like him to feel more when he is inside me himself.

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: I am a woman who is very large vaginally. My husband is not small, but certainly not as large as I need and like. He enjoys and gets very excited pleasuring me with very large "toys" but I would like him to feel more when he is inside me himself. Is there some product that I could insert vaginally that would make me smaller and give him more feeling? During this, I would be happy with just the pressure, not needing to feel the actual rubbing. I just like him on top of me. Any suggestions? Jane Doe ]]>
Lou's Answer: Dear Jane: I completely understand your desire to have more feeling when your husband is inside of you. For many women one of the major pleasures of intercourse is the feeling of being .filled up. during penetration. And although toys can create part of the enjoyment of penetration they cannot create the all-encompassing sensations of being filled internally by his penis and enveloped externally when he is on top of you. I will share with you two ideas that some women declare are their best non-surgical, non-exercise procedures for 'tightening' their vaginal vault. CHANGE POSITIONS SO THE ANGLE OF ENTRY IS TIGHTER. As one woman said, "For heavens sake, don't always use the same position you can make yourself tighter just by shifting a leg". Some will choose a position that will have a more curved entry angle. Positions favored are those where: 1. She is on top, leaning forward or backward 2. Side by side with her leg over his hip 3. Spooning with entering from behind 4. Raise your torso as with pillows when he is on top USING AN ANAL TOY For some women using an anal toy AKA butt plug or anal beads is one of the most effective methods to tighten the vaginal entry and vault to enhance the pressure sensation experienced during intercourse. The reason this works is an inserted anal toy lifts up the thin membrane between the vagina and the rectum in essence raising the floor of the bottom of the vagina, which will result in more sensation for both you and your husband. Choose a properly designed anal toy. One with a flange, (widened base) so it cannot slip inside and a thinned neck so the two anal sphincters can comfortably hold it in place. Some couples have found a vibrating anal toy greatly enhanced their sensation. Anal beads can do the same thing and provide more texture for the man during thrusting. Use lots of water based lubricant to ease insertion of an anal toy, as there is no natural lubrication in that area. And once you are satisfied with your play merely wash your toy with hot soapy water and let dry. If you use an oil-based product on a plastic latex toy you run the risk of having the toy become tacky to touch. Best not to insert something vaginally. If you do you can obstruct penetration and it won't allow for easy thrusting, as chances are you will be too aware of something possibly coming out to enjoy the sensations of sex. Re: the so-called .tightening/shrinking' creams. These are often a topically applied alum based sometimes-gritty product that is supposed to shrink the vulvar and vaginal tissue by desiccation (drying it out). And given that moisture/lubrication is a factor that eases and enhances intercourse dryness is rarely your friend when it comes to pleasurable penetration. As each man's penis is unique in its size so is each woman's vagina unique in its size. There are some women who are just naturally large some naturally small and FYI virginity is not an indicator of vaginal tightness despite that common misconception. The number one event that can impact vaginal tissue tone is pregnancy and vaginal delivery especially that of prolonged labor with large babies. The other two options women pursue to tighten and tone their vaginal entry size are: 1. exercising their Pubococcygeus (PC) muscle with regular contraction exercises often with insertable toys to increase resistance and surgical operations on the pelvic floor. 2. While one option can be done at the privacy of your desk the other is a surgical/laser tissue cutting procedure that while it may deliver cosmetically pleasing results often comes with unexpected negative nerve and sensation impact. Please let me know how you do.]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2005:/weblog//1.13 2005-07-01T19:03:44Z 2007-02-04T00:51:19Z

Question: According to my Drs. I have Peyronie's Disease. It started in about Dec. of 04. I think it has run it course and I want surgery and mostly likely some of type of an implant to restore the shape...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: According to my Drs. I have Peyronie's Disease. It started in about Dec. of 04. I think it has run it course and I want surgery and mostly likely some of type of an implant to restore the shape and size of my penis. What advice do you have and what type of Dr. is best (urologist, plastic surgeon, other) for this type of procedure? Thanks, Marcus ]]>
Lou's Answer: Dear Marcus: I applaud you looking for information as it is your responsibility to be an educated consumer for your sexual health. Peyronie's is a complex subject with no simple answer. I spoke to an MD anesthesiologist who has been involved in Peyronie's surgeries for over 20 years and my response will be guided by her observations and opinions. I am sure you are aware that the etiology (its cause or origin) of Peyronie's is unknown and that it is an internal abnormal growth of connective tissue in the penis that causes the penis to become very curved often on one side and can make having an erection very painful and often impossible and that the curvature often prevents intercourse from occurring. I am not sure how you can determine that yours has run its course. If the onset of Peyronie's occurred as a result of a trauma incident that damaged the penile tissue and you have had two years of healing then perhaps you can state it has run its course. If you have Peyronie's of an unknown onset then surgery may further complicate the functionality of your penis. Why? Because with any surgery you are going to have scar tissue and who is to say that the scar tissue from the surgery will be normal and act differently from the irregularly growing scar tissue of your Peyronie's. Additionally there is a possibility of nerve damage as the penile tissue is cut. My M.D. friend has seen men end up with penises reduced in size due to the removal of the scar tissue. Addressing your consideration of having a penile implant introduced to restore the shape and size of your penis; with any implant you further increase your possibility of infection and future complications if it needs to be removed. Result, smaller penis with even more scar tissue. Here were her comments to consider before looking at surgery. If it was me I'd massage my penis, I'd do physical therapy on it. Why? Because scar tissue can be remolded. Peyronie's acts like an auto immune disorder so I would do this therapy in combination with finding an immunologist at an academic setting (university) who could do a review of a biopsy of my Peyronie's scar tissue on the cellular level via electron microscopy to see if they could identify why the collagen network is growing abnormally, perhaps there is a mineral deficiency at a particle level that could be addressed with nutrition or supplements. Do you have any other autoimmune conditions? Chronic Pain Syndrome, Fibromyalgia, scleroderma, arthritis? When you are making your list of professionals to see remember a Urologist is a surgeon and they make their money cutting into people, the same with Plastic Surgeons. The M.D.'s experience over 20 years is that men who have penile surgeries done with implants and for Peyronie's often get more and worse scar tissue. My advice is to do your homework, be guided by what an M.D with 20 years of experience of observing these procedures; translation they had no vested interest in suggesting the surgery. I realize this is not an overly glowing response but I want to be as honest with you as I can and share my expert's comments. ]]> tag:www.loupaget.com,2005:/weblog//1.14 2005-06-01T19:11:52Z 2007-07-22T22:04:21Z

Question: In one of your books you talk about the effects of what a man eats and how it can change the taste of his semen. Can you please tell me what are the best things for a woman to...

Lou Paget http://loupaget.com Question: In one of your books you talk about the effects of what a man eats and how it can change the taste of his semen. Can you please tell me what are the best things for a woman to eat to ensure that during cunninglingus she can afford her partner the best possible taste. ]]> Lou's Answer: For both sexes what you eat definitely impacts what your genitals and secretions taste like. I will first give you the overview of things that impact smell and taste and then I will give you the best recommendations for women. But rest assured if it works for women chances are it will work for men. Please keep in mind as you read this that each of us has their own unique body chemistry and natural scent. The reason the scent is concentrated in the auxilla (armpit) and groin area is those areas have a different type of sweat glands apocrine versus the eccerine sweat glands that cover the majority of our body. The secretions of the apocrine glands are thicker and more viscous and they react differently with the natural bacteria on the skin creating one's own scent. To make this clearer even though we all have the awareness of sweating on our palms you will never see someone sniff their hand to see if they have body odor. So even before you get to the food stage that will impact how you taste be sure to keep the surface of yourself clean and that doesn't mean using heavy soap or douches. We carry a line of products called Sweet Spot that was designed specifically for cleansing and maintaining the genital area. And don't fall prey to the scented sprays that promise to make you smell like a floral bouquet. Women's sexual partners do not want a mouthful of wilted roses they want your natural scent. Now here are some of the foods and activities that can impact how a woman tastes. Smoking, men have said, women who smoke have bad bush. So, even if he can't taste it on your upper lips he might be able to taste it on the lower set. If you eat sushi and have a lot of soy sauce you will likely taste saltier. Where you are in your cycle will impact with some women tasting more pungent as they ovulate mid cycle. Foods that women swear by: pineapple, kiwi, melon and strawberries. Especially pineapple, as one AA devotee shared, I haven't had anything to drink but pineapple juice and water for years and every man I am with has said I taste like nectar. Any fruit especially melon will make either sex's secretions taste lighter. Avoid the cruciferous vegetables broccoli, cauliflower and asparagus. It is my understanding that it is a genetic trait to be able to smell the pungent unique smell produced post consumption of asparagus. Vitamins can also impact and make you taste funky especially Bs. For some women they metabolize garlic and onion and other heavy spices as a very sour smell. However take a tip from a Hungarian woman who shared in the seminar, If you are eating spicy foods you both must eat spicy foods, that way your chemistries will blend." And the amount of time it takes to impact is fairly short a couple of hours. Trust this helps with your grocery list and ordering possibilities. ]]>